Mastercard: Atlantis Edition
by Josephus Prime
Summary: The Mastercard tales of everyone's favorite Lost City. STORY COMPLETE!
1. Of Colors and Roses

GOOD MORNING, CAMPERS!! Hey, its your favorite furling here with the first chapter of Mastercard: Atlantis! Today's puny human…Colonel John Sheppard! ENJOY!!

* * *

When John Sheppard had woken up this morning, he had awaken with the strongest resolve ever…he was going to do something he should have done a loooong time ago. Possibly when the two of them first met. 

He was currently overseeing the unpacking and setting up of the special picnic they were having today. He had ordered a special delicacy just for this day.

_12 metric tons of a certain kind of fruit: $6,000.00._

He walked out of the cafeteria and strolled down the hallway. People were surprised by his smiling and strong face (several girls swooned) and upbeat attitude, as he usually kept a cool head. There was even a pool going on about why the commanding officer was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

But, John Sheppard ignored these trivial guesses and queries. Instead, he strutted on down through the weaving halls of the Ancient city. He smiled as he saw that the next order of business was being done. The Hallway leading to the person who occupied his thoughts today was being painted a bright new color, one that reflected his feelings for the person.

_220 gallons of paint: $600.00._

To everyone's surprise, a new visitor was to arrive on Atlantis. John had arranged for them to be picked up by the _Deadalus_ while they were on route from Earth. They were even bringing something special that John had ordered.

_Bouquet of yellow roses: $30.00_

But as the sun rose and the specific time that their internal clock woke them everyday, Sheppard suddenly became skittish and withdrew from the normal hustle and bustle of the city. According to many eyewitnesses, he had dashed at breakneck speed through several personnel, an engineer, and Dr.Wier herself, spilling her coffee as he rocketed toward the Jumper bay. Finally, they decided that one person was fit to retrieve Sheppard.

Teyla.

So, she made her way into the Jumper bay and found the colonel preparing a jumper for a quick leave.

"John?" she said cautiously, "What are you…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

THUD!!!

_Turning Atlantis into a Nightmare for the only person in the universe with an ego bigger than the City itself…_

Teyla looked back toward Sheppard. "Was that Dr. McKay?"

Sheppard nodded, his eyes on the ceiling. "Yeah…I think the fact that Colonel Carter is here with a bouquet of yellow roses, the halls are painted yellow, and the fact that the only fruits to eat here are Citrus fruits finally got to him…"

Then a voice came on the speaker.

"SHEPPARD, YOU BASTTARD!!!! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU ARE SO FREAKING DEAD, YOU HEAR ME! D-E-A-D DEAD!!!!!!!!!"

_Priceless._

Teyla looked back at John. There was a pause. "Want some help?"

John nodded furiously, giving her a "No Shit!" look. It was only a matter of time until Rodney and his untested Laser Cannon that Sheppard had been warned of at the last minute found them and went trigger happy all over his face.

* * *

So there you have it! The first part of Mastercard: Atlantis! Hope it was as good as you all hoped. Next up, everyone's favorite Canadian, DOCTOR RODNEY MCKAY! 


	2. Of Pills and Time

Hey Y'all! Joe of the Furlings here with a long overdue update!!! Sorry, this came late I had to go to California for two weeks, then I had to do crap when I got home…anyway, this might be the only one for at least a week, I'm still traveling around, heh heh... '

ANYWAY, here we go with Dr. Rodney McKay on Mastercard: Atlantis Edition!!

* * *

Dr. Rodney McKay's eyes continuously flitted across the screen of the small laptop. His fingers zipped across the keyboard as a lonesome bullet of sweat slowly made its way down his forehead. He wiped it away, and continued typing relentlessly as numbers, graphs, and charts of all sorts, zoomed across the screen. 

_Dell Pentium dual-core laptop with Wi-Fi that can interface with (almost) as much stuff as Col. Carter's: $250.00._

Colonel Sheppard poked his head through the doorway. "Rodney…" he said dangerously.

"I know, I know!!!" a tense Rodney replied.

Sheppard approached the still madly typing Doctor cautiously-He had been on the bad end of a stressful Rodney before, and lord knows how THAT worked out. "Look buddy," he began slowly, "I don't mean to rush you, you pick up the peace a bit??"

Rodney groaned and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small container of pills. He opened it and popped one into his mouth.

_Stress reliever pills: $18.00 per dosage._

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "You know, if you go O.D. on those things now of all times, I will personally throw you out of a jumper into the sea from 500 ft up, got it?"

"I KNOW, I KNOW, AND YOU'RE THREATS AREN'T HELPING!!!" hollered an irate Rodney as he typed faster than ever. Just when he thought he didn't need anymore distractions, Ronon stepped into the fray, looking annoyed.

"Hey, Rodney, uhh, would you mind picking up the pace a bit? We've got about 20 seconds left and I _really_ don't want to die here."

"I KNOW, DAMMIT!!!!" Rodney wiped away another bead of sweat as he continued to type.

_Special computer training from MIT: $200.00 tuition_

Then, as if God was testing to see how long he could stand the pressure, Teyla stumbled in, out of breath. "Rodney, the people are beginning to panic! Could you _please _HURRY UP!?!"

"I'm trying, I'M TRYING!!!" he hollered. Sheppard eyes his watch. They had about 10 seconds left…9 seconds…8 seconds…

"Rodney…"

"I'M ALMOST THERE, JUST HANG ON!!!"

6 seconds…5…4...3…2…1…

"I GOT IT!!!" and without further ado, he pressed the execute button.

Immediately, the Stargate in Atlantis roared to life, and deep within the bowels of the city, being projected by the best home theater system in the universe…

"_Good Afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to AT&T park, home of the San Francisco Giants, for the 2007 Major-league Baseball All-Star Game!"_

"YES!!!!!!" Sheppard hollered in victory, thrusting his fists into the air and joining the crowd in their cheers and applause for Rodney and his excellent signal hacking skills. Teyla and Ronon sighed in relief. Who knew that this sport known as Baseball mattered so much to such a large fraction of Atlantis?

Meanwhile, Rodney was leaning on the table he had been working at, panting like he'd run a marathon, but still wearing a triumphant smile. Mocking a western sharp-shooter, he raised his index fingers, jutted his thumbs out, and blew on the fingertips, slowly nodding his head.

_Being able to do just about everything…_

Then, quite suddenly, the gate shut down, the lights went off, and a loud hum was heard dying away as the whole city went dark.

_Well, ALMOST everything…_

Rodney was frozen stiff. He was afraid of this. There was a silent pause. And then, the whole city, in one synchronized voice, yelled, with all their might…

"_**RODNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_"

And almost immediately afterwards, a small voice came over the P.A. system.

"I CAN FIX THAT!"

…_Priceless.  
_

* * *

Well, there you have it. Hope it's as good as the rest. Read and Review y'all, and don't stray too far, 'cause it's Dr. Weirs time to shine next time around, here on Mastercard: Atlantis Edition!!! 


	3. Of Simulators and Revenge

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening Campers! Joe of the Furlings coming o you with the next chapter of Mastercard: Atlantis Edition! I apologize if this update isn't as up to snuff, but I've got my 16th birthday to worry about and nearly a week after that I start school again.

Anyway, There is one little thing I see fit to mention-the next chapter will be decided by POLLING! Yeah, that's right! YOU, the avid readers, will decide which puny Tauri or Alien being will be the next victim!!...uh, oh crap, I mean, STAR!!! WHO SAID VICTIM! NOT ME, _NOT ME, DAMMIT!!_

Okay…so now that that's over, LETS ROCK THIS JOINT!!

* * *

The Puddle Jumper lurched as it took a hit and nearly sent John Sheppard flying out of his seat. "Ah Damn…" he muttered under his breath as he pressed a small set of buttons. A small beep was heard, denying him the ever-so-vital function of the cloak. He gave the console a puzzled look and repeated the sequence, only to hear the same beep again.

"Uh, Ma'am we have a bit of a situation…"

Dr. Elizabeth Weir, head of the Atlantis expedition team raised an eyebrow at the small set of monitors before her.

_Earth's most advanced tracking systems: $250,000.00_

"What seems to be the problem, John?" She queried as the Puddle Jumper took another hit. She heard the sound of metal hitting bone and John swore loudly.

"John?" she asked with concern in her voice. Colonel Sheppard replied over the scratchy com channel.

"_The cloak isn't functioning properly…Dammit, Liz,"_ she heard him swear as a third shot reached it's mark and sparks flew from some wires in the rear of the ship,_ "I thought you said McKay repaired this thing!"_

Dr. Weir cocked an eyebrow, looking confused. "I'm not sure what you're talking about…When did you request the repairs?" she said as she strode over to one of the stations in the gate room, looking over the personnel's shoulder as he began to look through the database.

_Earth's largest computer memory bank: $47,000.00 monthly access pay._

"_Twice this week!!! Once on Monday, and again on Tuesday-MOTHER F-"_

"JOHN!!!"

"_Sorry Ma'am, I just got nailed in the family jewels by a control stick…" _John replied over the radio, his voice in a slightly higher pitch. The personnel in front of her looked up and shrugged. Liz looked puzzled.

"Sorry, John, we're not finding any record of any repair requisitions."

"_WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT'S NOT IN THE RECOR-UGH!!!" _She heard him grunt as the Jumper was hit once again, this time followed by shrill alarm. _"Oh, crap, Starboard engines out!! Losing Altitude! Request immediate-" _But he was cut off as a large explosion was heard over the com and it went dead.

"Confirmed, Puddle Jumper 03 has been destroyed, ending simulation." Reported a female officer to Weir's right.

_Earth's most advanced aerial combat simulator: $50,000.00_

In the simulation room, John swore like a sailor as the screens turned off and the rear hatch opened. Weir proceeded down to meet him. As John climbed out, he turned his head to look at the large screen. It displayed the top 5 named simulator pilots, and While John had been in first when he climbed into the simulator on Monday, he had performed almost as horribly, except that it was a steering malfunction that caused his downfall. He remembered groaning loudly as the runner-up got closer to taking his title. Tuesday, his flight had gone swimmingly until he fired a drone at an approaching wraith and ended up having it make a U-turn inches from the target and hit him head-on. On that day, him and the runner-up were dead even.

But today, his score was so horrible, that his name plummeted down all the way to third. And the new first-place flier...was Dr. Beckett, who was just as surprised at his new record as most of Atlantis was. He groaned as he sat down on a small stack of crates against the wall and slapped a hand to his forehead. What the HELL had happened out there? What did he do to…oh…A look of astonishment washed over his face. Dr. Weir was standing in front of him with a smug look on her face.

"So," She said, smiling widely as she looked down at one of her best officers, "I assume, by your hopeless expression, you have learned your lesson?"

John moaned and put his head in his hands. In retrospect, it was a terrible…No, more like a FREAKIN' _HORRIBLE_ idea to drink his commanding officer's coffee while she was greeting an ambassador from another planet. Weir smiled as she turned on her heel and walked away. She had to admit to herself, for a woman of peace…

_Being able to access all of the above and wielding your power for revenge…_

..she could be downright cruel. But hey, she thought to herself as she strolled down the hall, someone has to keep these boys and girls in line.

…_Priceless.  
_

* * *

Well, there ya go. I wish it was better, but, my furling brain ain't functioning too well today. Damn, man, I need a girlfriend…

Disregarding personal feelings, here are the candidates for the next chapter.

Ronon

Dr. Beckett,

And last, but not least,

Teyla.

Vote away, R&R, and I'll be back ASAP!!!

"_YOU have bad breath cause by Gingivitis, YOU couldn't get a porn star off, YOUR HAIRPEICE looks like something that was killed on the Highway-I dunno whether to COMB IT, or SCRAPE IT OFF WITH A SHOVEL AND BURY IT IN THE YARD!!!"-_Jim Carreyfrom _Liar Liar._


	4. Voting Update

GOOD MORNIGN CAMPERS! How y'all doin? Good. Great.

Okay, so here's the voting update, as of 14:00 hours military time….

Ronon-4

Teyla-1 (poor Teyla)

Beckett-4

So the Scotsman and the Big palooka are tied for first, with Teyla trailing considerably. See you when I update!!!


	5. Of Stunners and Balloons

Hey hey HEY!!! It's Joe of the Furlings with the next chapter of Mastercard Atlantis Edition! Now, I know everyone has been busy voting since…erm…yesterday, BUT STILL! After much, MUCH suspense (not really) the winner of the voting contest for Mastercard: Atlantis Edition is…um John? Drumroll?

John: Huh? OH!! yeah! right right right, sorry… (John plays drumroll recording on boombox.

(rolls eyes) ANYWHO, the winner and current lamb to slaughter-I MEAN STAR! Is…DR. CARSON BECKETT!!!

(and there was much rejoicing. (semi-enthusiastic yaying))

Right, so, I know I did one involving the other genius doctor that the earth has, Dr. Fraiser, so I decided to make it a little like that one, but with some more…I dunno…CHUTZPAH!!!

So, without further ado, here we go with Chapter 4 of Mastercard: Atlantis Edition!!

* * *

Dr. Beckett fumed silently as he walked towards the armory, clearly not dressed for battle. He and his assistants, who were following him closely, tossing theories, various plans of action, and whether a certain maneuver was necessary or not. But, at the head of the small group, Beckett didn't make a sound. Sure, Scots aren't exactly proud of their somewhat short patience, but he was a doctor, and doctors had to keep themselves composed no matter what. Finally as they got to the armory, and the second Dr. Beckett opened the door, he began giving out orders.

_Extensive Military firearms training: $25.00 monthly_

"Alright, Jackie, I want you to take McArthur and Harstien and clear out the gate room." He said as he began handing out stunner rifles to his assistants. "Mr. Rhodes, take Huntley and Peterson and clear out Dr. McKay's lab. Valerie, you and Mr. Song are with me." he said, slinging a rifle over his shoulder and tossing two more to a girl with dirty blonde hair and an Asian man with very spiky hair (thanks, of course, to Carson's hair gel), "We'll be checking out the cafeteria. Lets Go, Folks, Alright, LETS GO!"

_Hair Gel: $16.00_

Adrian Song looked at his rifle with distaste as he slung it over his shoulder. "Dammit, Carson, I'm a _doctor_, not a _marine_!!" The girl scoffed as she and Song followed Carson down the hallway. Then she retorted in a light German accent "Yes indeed, _Herr_ Song, but ze marines aren't here, are zey? And who does that leave to protect this city?"

"She's right, Adrian." Said Becket sadly as he took a left turn, not breaking his fierce stride, "I, personally, would rather be fishing on the mainland, but, you know, Duty first and all that." Adrian Nodded, looking downcast.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

"Ah forget it. After all, tis not like we can change the seaso-OOMPF!"

"Dr. Beckett?" Said Ronon. He had just woken up and had stepped outside, inadvertently tripping Dr. Beckett. He yawned and stretched. "Everything…yaaaaawwwwwnn….alright?" the alien runner said blearily, "I keep hearing voices and…uh, What's with the rifle?" He seemed to wake up seeing the stunner in Carson's hands.

Carson sighed, and said, in a semi-annoyed voice as he stood and brushed his lap coat off. "Oh, Good Mornin', Ronon. Thank the Lord almighty you're immune to some of our diseases."

_Fancy pants lab coat: comes free with the job._

"Diseases? What do you…" then realization hit him and he clenched his eyes shut and rolled his head to look at the ceiling, then down at Beckett. "Ah **CRUD**, Are you serious!?! Does this happen every stinkin year!?!"

Beckett nodded, still somewhat peeved at this intrusion. "Fraid so, lad." Then Valerie cut in "We think it vas brought over on ze last shipment of supplies form Earth."

Ronon Sighed. "Well, seeing as how I'm awake," he said reaching into his room and grabbing his gun, "Can I get dibs on Ro-"

"NO!!!"

Ronon groaned. "Awww c'mon, man…Oo! I'll set it to stun?" he pleaded, acting like a child who wanted a toy he couldn't get.

Beckett looked him over, and then sighed in resolution. "Alright, _fine_. You can come and shoot Rodney. But it better be on STUN. AND JUST _RODNEY_, NO ON ELSE, got that?" he barked. Ronon smiled fiercely. "Works for me!" he said cheerfully, slipping the gun into its holster. Beckett sighed again, knowing he'd regret this, then he nodded to his assistants as they made their way to the cafeteria, where he guesses the majority of SGA-1 along with several other teams, had barricaded themselves in.

'Honestly,' He thought to himself, as he strode down the hallway with one more in tow, 'I know Dr. Frasier had a hard time with just General O'Neill, but this is just ridiculous!!! Whoever heard of an entire exploration team who can face down the universe and is afraid of a bloody flu shot!?!'

_Making it all better, anyway you can…_

Then he smiled sadly to himself. 'Guess you can't win them all over with lollipops and balloons…'

…_Priceless.  
_

* * *

I know this one wasn't all that funny, but it really wasn't meant to be. Dr. Carson Beckett, Everybody! (God rest his Soul!)

So, sadly, the next chapter will be the last one in the Mastercard Saga. Why? Well, sadly, I just don't have the time anymore. I'll write new stories here and there, but I really will be busy with homework and birthday stuff.

But, hey, at least I have some of the best readers in the universe, right?

Peace out, until next time y'all! TUPAC LIVES!

"_Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And YOU must be THE MONOPOLY GUY."_- Jim Carrey, _Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls_


	6. Of Mischief and Finales

GREETINGS, PUNY HUMANS!!!! Wassup? The one and only Joe of the Furlings here with the grand finale of the Mastercard Saga!

First and foremost, I'd like to thank all the wonderful folks that gave my story a look, thought it was funny, and reviewed. YOU DUDES AND DUDETTES ROCK!!!!

Anyway, I'm also like to thank the wonderful people who helped make this bundle of drabbles what it is-One HELLUVA bundle of drabbles! (I'm not mentioning any names; you know who you are -)

So, here we go. Hopefully this will be very enjoyable for everyone.

* * *

The gate room was buzzing with activity. The gate began to turn, making the classic grinding noise as it turned and dialed the next planet SG-1 was to explore. Looking over the massive underground room with a fancy centerpiece, one bald man at a computer sat punching in keys at a rate that would shame a veteran hacker. As the Activity continued around him, he turned in his seat and faced the camera. 

"One giant inter-space travel device on loan from the Russians: $60,000 monthly." Then he turned back to the computer and the gateroom. "Chevron 5 is encoded…

* * *

A woman in short brown hair stood on a pier, panting a picture of the beautiful city before her, her small body looking even smaller compared to the giant towers and piers that stretched out from the city. She hummed a tune as the camera zoomed in on her shoulder as it looked at the painting. It was quite a good likeness. The woman turned and smiled at the camera. 

"One Expedition to an Ancient City called Atlantis, then running the whole place and calling it home: $50,000,000 and a ZPM." She turned back to her painting and continued humming 'When the Saints go Marching In."

* * *

The coffee maker dinged as a man with a pair of round glasses reached over and grabbed the jug of fresh coffee. He poured some in his mug as he said to the camera; 

"Enough coffee to feed and army of intergalactic heroes:" He paused as he looked up at the camera and took a sip, "$12.00 a can." A Black-haired woman appeared at his side. She noticed the coffee. "OOOH!!!! Can I-"

"NO." the man said strongly as he went to take another sip. He paused before it reached his lips at looked back at her and blinked, obviously confused. "How'd you get in my house?"

* * *

A Boy with black hair, with orange fox ears and tail, strolled through the base with a tall, grey haired man. They both were dressed in green SG uniforms. As they took at turn, the boy said something to the man and the older cracked up laughing. Then the boy turned to face the camera as he passed by. 

"Writing an online story about all that…"

A girl with bunny ears was having a kind discussion about quasars. Her brown, shoulder-length hair waved as she turned toward the camera, her blue eyes shining mischievously.

"…theming it around a credit card commercial…" she said with a British accent as she continued on.

As her and the fox boy approached each other, companions oblivious that they were about to collide, the bunny girl winked at the fox boy and he nodded. Suddenly, the girl stuck out her boot and stripped the woman. The second she did, the fox boy reached his tail around, wrapping it around one of the man's legs, and yanked forwards as the man fell back. The woman landed on him, blushing, as she realized….they were _kissing_.

The Bunnygirl laughed as her and the Furling high-fived, and the fox-boy finished, "…and causing a considerable amount of mischief along the way…" Suddenly, they both looked down at the pair between them as _very_ enthusiastic kissing sounds and moans were heard. They slowly looked back at each other, their faces red, and their hands still together in the air. Carters head became visible at the bottom of the screen as she tried to catch her breath, O'Neill's hand grabbed the back of her head as he said "Get back down here, you…" And yanked her down as they continued. The Bunnygirl and Foxboy lowered their hands, and, the boy putting his hands in his pockets and the girl holding them behind her back, walked away, looking at the camera one lat time and saying together…

"Priceless."

* * *

The Gate room appeared, with the entire cast of Stargate: SG-1 and Stargate: Atlantis standing in front of the massive circular gateway, the Foxboy and the Bunnygirl stood a few feet in front of them. The Foxboy smiled as he shrugged. "There are some things money can't buy." He began, and the girl continued, "For everything else…" 

Then the Entire mountain shook as the whole cast raised their fists into the air and roared with the Furling and his Female friend…

"**THERE'S STARGATE!!!!"**

And, if you had listened closely as cheers and applause broke out, you would've heard a man named Rodney holler, "DAMBIT, RONON, your bist broke my nobe!!!**  
**

* * *

Well, that's that. I think I might make a Stargate Musical next… we'll have to see. In the mean time, however, this is Joe of the Furligns saying, Until next time…Gate on, Stargate fans, Gate on. 

"_You're not paranoid…everyone really is out to get you."_-Joe of the Furlings.


End file.
